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these screwdrivers taste a lot better since I ran out of OJ! 
Smart enough to know better. Stupid enough to try. Stubborn enough to make it work, no matter what.
Next time you're depressed just imagine Kristen Stewart on a swing.
The Democrats and Republicans are like Coke and Pepsi, each has a slightly different taste but both very bad for you. As for me, I like a lot of Jäger and a splash of Red Bull. I'm thinking Jägerbomb party. Who's in?
Yes, Yes, YES! Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it...
Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
I'm the one your mother warned you about......to never let me be the one that got away.
The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.
I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.
16 and Pregnant completely wrecked the term " MILF" for us Cougars!
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."
i wanna see Thornton Melon do the Triple Lindy dive....Olympic awesomeness
There's a special place in hell for autocorrect
When taking a picture of your mirror for posting it on facebook, please try to angle your camera a little or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot
These teens moms, calling themselves a mother because they gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.
I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken
i'll join the revolution after I see what the cops do to the 1st 10,000
I'm surprised people don't use photoshop to also clean the house in the background of all these fake photos they upload
People who get out of bed the first time the alarm rings. What's it like to be a demon? 