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if I would of known that buying a new ride-on lawn mower, my wife would mow the lawn all the time, I would of bought it 10 years ago. 
having at least one more drink then may not call it a night
Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.
excited about Fat Tuesday! Not so excited about Headachey Wednesday though.
I guess the phrase ''ITS MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!'' does'nt work on the I R S.
My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realise that i'm good at being drunk!
NCAA Championship: are you kidding me?. More like the best 'slapstick' comedy ever!
A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.
After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.
Hmmmm.. Do you ever wonder if Nicki Minaj butt dials more than most people?..
Keep the dream alive.....Hit the snooze button 6 times
I never said I wanted to be around for a long time. I always said I wanted to be here for a good time.
Clingy women stop it. No man wants some chick clinging to him like a two-dollar tattoo on some biker’s ass.
Single ◽ Taken ◽ Vodka ✔
I found my true calling in life. Laziness.
Happy Mother's Day & Everyday to all the Moms out there.
I respect rattlesnakes. At least they have the decency to warn you before they murder you.
Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)
You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!
I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex. 