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Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar. 
how do you confuse an archaeologist? give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Single White Female, 29, into moshing, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
I have 5,000 channels I cannot watch since they are in spanish, but they take away Food Network and HGTV from me......... Cablevision you are a disgrace, what the hell am I paying you to much money for!!! Damm you Cablevision, damm you!
God gave you them shoes, to fit you So put them on and wear them... be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny... don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful
its so cold outside, that my grandmother's false teeth was chattering (and they are in a jar)
Think the Crayola people would get mad if I try to burn there Crayon?
The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standard
driving and texting on his new cell pho......sweet merciful Jesus , He's heading right toward us .....freaking maniac
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The only 3 words I'm expecting to hear this Valentines Day are.... "Your perscription's ready..."
HELP! I am a man trapped in a womans body! So does anybody know how to get out of position number 47 of the Kama-Sutra?
Anyone else love it when they text too fast that their phone can not keep up and when you are finished it looks like it is doing it by itself?! Or is it just me?
There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."
A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.
Most of the Pillsbury Dough Boys family showed up for his Funeral. His wife Jane, son Jon, Daughters Play and Docie Dough were all there. His son Dill was missing though. He later told everyone he found himself trembling in a deep dark hole of emotions.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of the dog. 