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PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache.... 
I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.
Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.
In traffic no one hears you scream.
To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.
It's funny, the only time we can express our feelings is in a quote, and then we post it to complete strangers, at least they understand.
I was being all sexy n shi t but you blinked and you missed it
Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day
If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.
If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.
Bite marks, hickies, and scratches are love notes written in flesh.
It seems like some people were born without a sense of humor
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.
If I ever delete you, , try to understand that you're one in a million. (Because I like 99.5% of people.)
handing out safe Halloween treats this year...1 condom & sample sized KY Jelly
You never know what you have... until the test result come out.
Side Chick Text - why is my name stored under pizza hut in yo phone?
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. 