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Elton John adopting a newborn at 68??? Really? I mean, shouldn't he be picking out coffins instead of cradles? 
Your 90% the reason why I get up every morning the other 10% is because I have to pee...
I like the movie Avatar, especially the first time I saw it when it was called Pocahonis
Don't try to understand everything.. because sometimes it is not meant to be understood... but rather to be accepted...
if you always stop to smell the roses, sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle?........... Fat.
All girls with cats are bitter and crazy, and all straight men with cats are secretly gay.
If gas gets any more expensive, I'll have to file for tankruptcy!
Bet you didn't know that before leaving the factory every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives two test tickles.
if Foreigners would learn how to support themselves, America wouldn't be in debt all the time
Yes, you know...the same Stormy Daniels ordered to pay $293,000 to him for lying.
The guy working the Drive Thru Window was a real smarta$$. Thankfully he got my order right so at least he wasn't a real dumba$$ too.
Tyler Perry is an egomaniac. Does he really need to put his name in front all his shows?!
I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole...
If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if your morbidly obese.
If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.
My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.
I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.
I had a dream that I killed all of the shirtless guys with their own swag...and their duckface girlfriends....I call it the YOLOcaust. 