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I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers! 
I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.
In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.
For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.
Stalking is when two people go for a romantic walk, but only one of them knows about it.
Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up... Unbelievable...
if the Miss America contestants all represent their home state, why are they all white and skinny??
A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."
So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....
.If the head is split you must acquit
I just listened to the song "She'll be coming around the Mountain" and you know what, if "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably more woman than most of us can handle
The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.
I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?
I always seem to hurt the ones I love the most. Probably because I've got a huge d*ck.
I need my own personal black guy to blame stuff on.
"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
That Star Wars movie was BS! No Capt. Kirk! No Spock! No Scotty....Not even the Enterprise...😡
No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.
I think a true warrior for Women's rights would be fighting for the voices and rights of those millions of Unborn Women. 