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My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.” 
Hey Crossfit idiots All I can think about when I see you running with your backpack full of weights is how quickly you'd sink if I pushed you over the bridge.
Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!
Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.
We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP
I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.
Negative people need drama like oxygen.Stay positive...it will take their breath away ..!
I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.
"Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)
A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.
I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
sometimes I wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss!
You need to carry Lifesavers on you religiously because they will serve their purpose. In your pockets & in your car. Do it. Trust me.
chasing fat people with a salad.
going to haunt you for eternity [mood:Dead]
sales of gillete razors gone dwn, I bet you thierry henry's had a hand in that
filthy,stinking rich. Well,two out of three ain't bad.
Everytime I think I'm going to get some pie, the bakery closes early.
Today, I'm hosting a jousting tournament for ALL kids in the neighborhood! All you need is: $10 (entry fee), a bike, and a broom OR mop! 