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My new home security system is a bunch of Tanaka airbags. 
Wife: Did you forget to run the dishwasher? Me: [drinking a beer from a crusty old flower vase] No. Why?
Meanwhile, in hell, the Devil is all like ... "What have I done?"
well,, of course Sea Salt is better than regular salt cuz,, you know, ,,,, fish poop
Good thing scientists were WRONG about the ozone huh?
Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.
Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.
I was planning to have my teeth polished but decided to get a tan instead.
It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night
Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?
Does anyone really ever listen to the wedding march melody? Dumb dumb de dumb ...... Dumb dumb de dumb.
doesn't the U.S. have missiles that can reach North Korea? #testthem
I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.
I want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams
Not only are parents finding out their kids can't read, the kids are finding out that their parents can't read either during this quarantine
I wore a mask to run errands today Accidentally robbed a bank
Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you.
How TF Nieman Marcus filed for chpt11 bankruptcy when one of their clothes rack can pay for all of our student loans? 