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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon 
Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.
.... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.
The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest
Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!
Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.
If I were of Chinese descend and a multi Millionaire. I would change my name to Cha Ching. . .
FYI ... In 08 President Obama's "Just Words" speech was slammed for using the exact phrase from Mass. Gov Deval Patrick. Vice President Biden responded to the allegations by saying "Everybody does it!"
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.
Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas..
If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."
[medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.
It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat. 