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I often wonder what I've done with my life. But then my clinically sane friends visit me, and I remember why I enjoy being nuts!!! 
If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...
one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!
despised and idolized either way I'm recognized
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head
When you feel like giving up. Just remember all the people who wanted to do great things but quit because it was too hard...Can't remember them? Me neither, because they gave up
wondering why so many people "wonder" on Facebook. Can't they just commit to their thoughts full on?
"I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."
decided to try the P90X workout with a co-worker and realized just a few minutes into it that it was going to kill me, Damn I'm getting old
Everybody hates me because I'm so universally well-liked...
First day without any real amount of nicotine... My brain is interpreting this new development as: grumpy, antzy, sleepy, jumpy and pissy all at the same time... If I get sneezy and dopey I got all the 7 dwarfs covered!
Ok, I have to stop yelling at this TV like the Celtic players can hear me! It's not making them play better and it is making me hoarse.
thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.
I used to believe people wanted to contact me but always found me unavailable. to rectify this I bought a mobile, got BBM, what'sapp, msn, yahoo... what a relief, now I know exactly how many people aren't trying to get in touch with me...
If you say something really fast it can sound really easy or really hard.
Dont say good morning to me plz. I prefer a Hello!! so I can think its the late day, nite or something besides morning!
That blonde's cleavage in that engery drink commercial WORX for me.
What is it about stupid people that makes them think they are ALWAYS right, without exception?
Oxiclean commercials just aren't the same without Billy Mays. Also late night tv needs more Vince from Shamwow. That hooker prob had it coming
I named my dog life because she is a b!tch too. 