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I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on. 
you can always tell someone who just started rooting for the Steelers, they never know how bout the "H" in Pittsburgh
the only mystery Scooby Doo will never solve.
It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.
The octopus PAUL has predicted it correct yet again. Spain are the Champions. I need to meet this PAUL and ask him to select which girl should I Propose to. It's time I settle for one girl, having 3 girlfriends Sucks bigtime!!
Has come to the conclusion that the weekend is a man, it comes too quick then you don't hear from it for a week!!
never going to leave her husband........unless I move house...he's burried under the decking!
My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.
So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.
I was tickling a toad on his right flipper! Frog giggles amuse me!
So two lions walk into a bar,,,,,, they ate EVERYONE,,,,, it was a horrible evening.
Admit it, at one time in your life you went a public washroom and didnt wash your hands after because nobody else would see you
"Bromance" should be a relationship status on facebook.
Kim Kardashian's marriage was shorter than a midgets tie
Its much easier to to turn a friendship into love.. then love into a friendship.
I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...
I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning
A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!
The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.
Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell. 