Funny Status Messages

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time!

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   I have a black belt in leather

   When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"?

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   I love Facebook. It's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.