Funny Status Messages

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Marriage tip: Don't

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled "Tiger's 18 Favorite Holes", and the damn thing is about GOLF!!

   Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can't hit me with a quarter!

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...