Funny Status Messages

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Marriage tip: Don't

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled "Tiger's 18 Favorite Holes", and the damn thing is about GOLF!!

   Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can't hit me with a quarter!

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

   doesn't want to follow you on twitter because you're not going anywhere.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.