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thats why you get your drivers license photo taken when your drunk , that way you can tell the officer that your not drunk , you always look that way. 
It's extraordinary when a person comes in contact with a spider web or a bug lands on them, they become a Kung-Fu master.
A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
living the dream ...one fist pump at a time
Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"
Everything funny has already been said. The End.
A five year old asked, “Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was?” Mommy replied, “Yes, but only for a minute.”
Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale
why is everyone in love with their hair these days? I hate my hair ..cause it's so FREAKIN AWESOME!!
my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Everything happens for a reason & sometimes it's better for us not to know that reason.
Tone Loc arrested for domestic violence, he shouldn't of drank that Funky Cold Medina!
It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?
Melania has responded: "These accusations of plagiarism are not only hurtful to me, but are hurtful to my children Sasha and Malia"
How does Hillary get soooo much JUNK in her TRUNK you ask?? She steals it duh.
Rush Limbaugh who called hurricane Irma a hoax, has evacuated his florida residence. Now why would he do that if Irma is a hoax?
The current Employee shortage is so bad that Long Haired Freaky People can now apply.
Of course NY has the most cases of Covid-19. It has the most m0r0ns.
I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed 