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My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent. 
I've been sleeping at my desk for the past two weeks. ...I can feel a promotion coming my way.
Soulja Boy needs to make a big comeback very soon or else this tattoo is going to start looking stupid.
has been sitting on this fence trying to decide which side is greener and the only conclusion I have made is this fence is hard and it makes my butt hurt
I wish my smartphone was smart enough to shout from under the sofa's buttcrack, "I AM HERE!"
happy Kim and Kanye are together, at least only one family is ruined.
Paula Deen just got chopped!
I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina
Matching socks ain't nobody got time for that
Now that Lance has come clean, I guess he's qualified to run for election in the House or Senate..
studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"
Starbucks really isn't that expensive compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.
when a product states "New and Improved" my eyes see "Less S hitty than before"
49ers sort of have a deer antler in the headlights look......
Would someone please stop the earth from spinning? I'd like to get off.
Looking forward to seeing New York the day after tommorrow. Sandy
Halloween: The only night of the year a girl can dress up like a complete slut and not have her motives questioned.
I voted for the guy with the least amount of cartlage in his left knee...
Baby with a face like yours, I bet you just beat off all the guys!
In every successful relationship the MANalways has the last word,,,"Yes Dear" 