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My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close. 
I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.
Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.
Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.
FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see
Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.
Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??
Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already
Here's a story,of a LOVELY lady
who was bringing up three very LOVELY girls
all of them had hair of gold, like their mother.
the youngest one in curls. RIP CAROL BRADY
Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.
I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.
Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.
I gave Santa Chocolate Laxative chip cookies...
One of my biggest fears is I'll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays
Ladies, I'm renting myself out tonight, who needs a New Years Eve Date. . .
Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off
So she married one of the seven dwarfs But divorced him shortly after when she realised he wasn't actually happy.
Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.
I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.
Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper. 