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If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN 
If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches
Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.
The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.
My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.
The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues
All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.
I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .
I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.
Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.
I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.
Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between
Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.
A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”
always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.
Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..
I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.
Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!
It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...
There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday. 