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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system. 
I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.
Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck
There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....
Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.
Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.
Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted.
Maybe it's not alcoholism. Maybe it's just stress intervention.
Canadian Birthday Traditions: Apologizing for the candles being so hot.
2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.
Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.
.... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.
Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.
Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets
it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...
Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.
My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.
To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.
Uptight, dumb chick litmus test. Send her a Poke. If she gets overly offended, don't bother going any further.
Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! 