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That makes about as much sense as a a gay guy in a topless bar 
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Dear Sir, Since taking your body building course, I have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel great. I also feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Sincerely, Mary Goldberg
"Tip for today's value shopper: Keep UPC's in your pocket and use the self-checkout."
I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.
Authorities would stop worrying about the number of people who die because of alcohol if they took into account the number of people who are born because of alcohol.
Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)
What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”.
You know, come to think of it, I have never seen Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi in the same room either.... Coincidence?? Just sayin...
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
woke up to the sound of ANGELIC SINGING! I thought I died and went to heaven! it was just MY MOM had the ROYAL WEDDING ON FULL BLAST IN THE HOUSE!
For those who will celebrate Cinco de Mayo with "authentic" 36% beef tacos, we pray to the Lord.
The sucky thing about rapture is that I was totally going to start a workout regime THAT NIGHT. Stupid end of days.
Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.
I rather have that one in a million friend rather than a million friends-Josh Frazier-
Have you ever met a girl who you instantly know you shouldnt be talking too but you still do it anyways. Me either.
I realize you are trying to protect a very expensive Jacket….But Mothballs STINK!!!! Who's the Genius that thought Storing anything in balls of chemical pesticide would be a good idea?
Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia.... 