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Wow! Only seven more shopping days until it's Christmas! I wish that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive, extravagant gift! I wouldn't, but do I just wish I could afford to, if I wanted. 
Note to self: Saying "Don't judge me!" doesn't go over well in court.
Im starting to think my dog is a spy... she has simply seen too much
Someone suggested I get myself one of those pen1s enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
are you shaking your head in disgust or are you trying to jumpstart your brain
Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?
Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.
would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The US may be 25th in math scores, but we think we're 12th!
It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone.
I know I overdo goodbyes to the Ladies. They dont all have to end in a slow dance to "Careless Whisper".
I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"
I'm starting to think I really need a vacation, this morning I caught myself pretending the shower head was a waterfall!!
I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence
StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.
If you were never stuck in the corner for doing something bad when you were younger then you never had a childhood
Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.
forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son." 