Funny Status Messages

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has :/

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   It doesn't take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.

   If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

   Wouldn't it make more sense for laptop makers like Dell and HP to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is Randee and common sense was my idea

   I wish mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"