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It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus. 
If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!
We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.
Thinking of getting a portable hand held air horn to help remind people not wearing a mask to keep away from me.
What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki
If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.
It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.
I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.
A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
Marla Maples is in favor or border security. She lost her job to an immigrant too.
So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused
'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......
Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.
Spoiler alert: Going to more than one rodeo does not make you any smarter.
setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...
i didn't know that your favorite sport is Social Climbing. 