SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.

   Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.