Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   Party like you will never be invited to another!

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf*cker.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)