Funny Status Messages

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   You can now buy "throw back" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”

   Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.