Funny Status Messages

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   From what I can tell, a Boomerang is just a Frisbee for people who don't have any friends...

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?

   Black Friday? That's ones of those Ice Cube movies right?

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   children shopping for cereal are like men shopping for lingerie; they don't care which kind they get as long as they get the prize inside!!

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

   Why are they calling the music I grew up on "Classic Rock"? I'm not that old...am I?

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation

   As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."