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What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents. :)
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.
Silly rabbit tried to steal my damn trix.
convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.
Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before
thinks the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.
Im a wreck to be forcened with.
Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it
Don't complain about the wound when you voluntarily handed someone the dagger.
Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.
What do ducks smoke? Quack.
The Vatican removed Bishop Sicola from New York from the final candidate list for the papacy...... Apparently they thought it wouldn't seem proper to address the new pontiff as ''Pope-si-cola.''
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I'm not crazy. Sheldon's mom had me tested.
Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.
The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell. 