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I might not have a lot of one thing, but I have enough of everything, and for that I'm blessed. 
*spins around on chair* Hi! I've been expecting you!
u know how dumb you will sound if you go in a interview talking bout you graduated from Everest? Ain't nobody gon take serious
says, if Renea would just watch porn with me, she would understand why I made her buy roller skates and why we have 20 gallons of chocolate pudding in the fridge
I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!
Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.
Great!!! Bought a Powerball ticket and a pack of smokes. Total was $6.66. BOY, I sure feel lucky for tonight's drawing.
Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.
Funny fat guy fall on face! -The Hangover
Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”
The way the CNN channel distorts the news they should change their name to Cannot be NEWS :)
After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.
If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year. . .
Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
wearing spray on pants.
Obama just endorsed oxygen. Republicans immeditely starting holding their breath.
It's my birthday and I'll lie if I want to.
To all of the people whom voted for Obama the second time: There's an idiot on your keyboard right between the letter "Y" and "I"
Most Paralympic competitors get involved in their sport by accident.
Hey Jessica Biel,,,,,,,,, Please,, Please,, Please,, name your kid Batmo 