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My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck. 
I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.
You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!
had the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Wally. Well Played.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
that was a sweet lifeguard job till the stupid blue kid got me fired.
WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!
wishes google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option
Wishes the protestors would occupy Iran, North Korea, & Syria, instead of Wall street
The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.
Lady Gaga taught me its okay to be different. Ke$ha taught me to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks.Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I loveMost importantly, Rebecca Black taught me the days of the week.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.
Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."
I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
When my atheist friend pisses me off, I tell him to Go to Heaven!!
Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid crap in 20 minutes flat. 