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MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. 
Happy Pi day!!! Party at my house.. BYOC (Bring your own calculator) :D
if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance
1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.
The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.
Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.
People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.
2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"
Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.
My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.
Does Bruce Jenner get a Mother's Day present this year?
I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.
Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!
I can’t date a woman who talks in her sleep. That’s all the standards I have. You can have one boob or hairy nipples and I will still get with you. Just shut up when you sleep.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.
If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
"Don't worry, I will solve everything" - alcohol
If weed is ever legalized, I cant wait to see the commercials. 