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Distance never separates two hearts that really care 
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the sky and he will believe you, tell him this bench is wet and he will have to touch it to make sure...
bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob
hula hooping in wallmart...yeah I still got it
This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.
Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.
If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
unscrewing a bottle of his favorite wine...Chateau Libido! ;)
I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.
A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.
Note to Self: Stop posting personal things on Facebook and make appointment at the free clinic.
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."
wants you to think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.
I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Happy Alcoholidays
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.
full of whimsical f*ckery
stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway... 