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"WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS 
If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!
If you cross the N. Korean or Mexican border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally,you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job,a driver's license, food stamps,place to live, health care
have sex not children
Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body
You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.
Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.
Going to Walmart because Target requires a shower.
So who is the bitter old man who started these damn "she's to young for you bro" crap? So she didn't like you, "Bitter party of one?...Bitter party of one......"
My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.
The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.
Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat
if there's a camera flash in the picture, she's prolly too ugly for you bro!
Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.
Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors
Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads ".. allow dill dough to rise".
God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.
JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)
What's the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother? A Catholic mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill you.", a Jewish mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill myself.".
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha 