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If Prince William is 100% royal, and Kate Middleton is 0% royal... is their son the Half-Blood Prince? 
Ask Romney to name the ramen flavors since he knows the struggle.
Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
Stop fat and ugly women from climbing on bar tops. Prevent counter terrorism.
take me drunk, I'm home!
Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?
Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.
Ghetto Word Of The Day: HOTEL. Usage: I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!
If I ever host an orgy, first rule: cel phones off - unless you're making a porno with it.
The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.
can I put on the Scream mask when I do you from behind
Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......
was wondering why, after 68 days, none of those pulled from the mine in Chile had any facial hair. Then I remembered why....... they are only miners
Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!
thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, F*ck Kwanzaa.
Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!
walked into a shop this morning when the woman working said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I haven't met anyone with a conditional identity before. 