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being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 . 
Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.
Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.
My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.
Real life friends? In this economy??
seems to care less about trees when I'm drying my hands in a public bathroom.
My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish... She liked to dress up as herself and act like a total bitch.
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine's more important, and I don't give a fuck if she has one or not.
You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!
Next year I want me some Pilgrims and Indians at my Thanksgiving meal. I'm tired of this family experience.
it doenst matter where you click on the ad you will step on the roach
You wouldn't feel the need to talk about your beauty if you already know you are beautiful.
Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.
Before telling your woman a PMS joke, you should assure she does not currently have PMS.
Any girls in a relationship; please write something.
How do you explain stupid to a stupid person?
Advice is a bitter medicine, which is more blessed to give than to receive.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.
Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people. 