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For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs 
It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .
How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"
When I'm waiting for the bus I hat it when someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" ...... Hey dummy .... If the bus came, would I still be standing here???
Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!
ETC.....End of Thinking Capacity.
I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.
Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .
Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
“Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame
In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law
Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.
Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.
If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.
Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."
Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"? 