SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Dear Raisin Bran: Two scoops my a$$.

   I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   “I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."

   I feel like if I'm ever arrested by a sexy female cop I owe it to both of us to resist a little bit.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.