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Half the world is in a race war and the other half is running around catching Pokemon with their phones, and I'm just sitting here on my couch waiting for football season. 
I think an eye doctor should run for president in 2020 with the slogan "a perfect vision"
Monica Lewinsky was asked if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever. She said, "Close but no cigar".
Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.
The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.
Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.
Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.
What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.
So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?
OK .... Since the latest Leaks and emails surfacing are proving the facts to be true ..... Perhaps it's time to watch the movie "Clinton Cash" on YooToob to see what kind of person you are really voting for.
That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.
I'm allergic to photos of your cat.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".
2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex
There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.
Casey #notguilty is like saying, I havn't eaten in the past week, when I ate a sandwitch 30 mins. ago..
would be very surprised if some of my friends were missing tomorrow
Ok , rapture already! Take me an leave Beiber, or vice versa, whatever !
Feels sorry for the astronauts on the space station. If the world ends who will bring them supplies?
Men see what women do, but they never know what women think while they are doing it. 