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Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy. 
INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.
Why do the people with the worst breath want to hit you with every "H" word in the dictionary?
I've never had a problem with drugs. But I've had problems with the police because of drugs.
Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.
Happy Thanks Giving! Today I will stuff myself and eat all that I can, tomorrow I will eat the rest of the left overs and then I am going to quit cold turkey.
Day 24: I am thankful that after today there will be no more I am thankful posts.
Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure!
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.
Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.
"I like your hair." "thanks, I grew it myself."
When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right
When first talking to your kids about Santa, don't say he's God's drunk brother in law. Trust me...
When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.
Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.
You can play mario for the pc, or playstation but it wont be the same if you dont have a NES controller in your hand
The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.
it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice
Don't forget to put the word "organic" in your tweets, so you can charge more for them.
I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey" 