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Advice of the day for women: Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as you buy him a few drinks first. ;) 
Sheryl Crow has a cookbook out called "If It Makes You Healthy..." The complete title should be "If It Makes You Healthy...Then Why The Hell Does It Taste So Bland..."
todays weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss
I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".
If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house
My typical morning where I can turn water into coffee!!
After watching Transformers, I just spent an hour in my garage telling my car that I know his secret. Maybe he's just shy.
Restaraunt pagers for long waits can be fun. Just ask to use the toilet while waiting then apologize to the Hostess for dropping it in the really messy toilet as youre seated. Note the look on her face and have fun reliving that moment as you finally eat
I wonder if Professional Boxers ever tell their friends that they are "as pleased as punch."
It cracks me up that most people who say "you don't know sh!t from Shinola" don't know what hell Shinola is in the first place.
trust and friendship can be tested by how long a person borrows an item of yours for so long and return it back in the same condition.
Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?
[seen above a urinal] Your child's future is in your hands.
Because of the constant rubbing of tectonic plates, the earth has volcanic ejaculations.
Facebook...this generations Rubiks Cube.
Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.
My ex-wife told me the real reason she was leaving me is because I was obsessed that band The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.......
I win a lot of arm wrestling matches because of my technique of looking my competitor in the eye while playing footsie under the table.
I almost caused an accident trying to open a piece of candy. Can you imagine dying over a Lemon Starburst? #ultimatefail 