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Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena. 
everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.
"Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"
Have you tried not taking another selfie?
I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........
Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..
People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.
I wonder how hard J-LO has to laugh for her ass to fall off?
Hummmmmmm Chocolate - (Homer Voice)
I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?
I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt
Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.
I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.
You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!
Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ
I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' 