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Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.” 
I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.
Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."
If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.
It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean
When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."
So I walked into a bar... ...and who do I see sitting next to me but 50 Cent, and he's knitting a sweater... So I yelled to him, Gee you knit?
For Halloween, I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase all the Muslim women in burqas around the town centre.
Obama to continue going it alone. Thats good, because I dont think anyone is following him anymore...
trying to wipe with plastic wrap.
Nancy Pelosi quoting bible scripture about dignity and worth of every person.....Thats Classic from a woman that is a voice for abortion.
I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it that way too.
Which one of you ladies wants to be my next mistake?
Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?
It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.
The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐
Recycling old ones doesn't make them good, or original... AC... and everyone else posting unoriginal stuff. Now run along, before I get deleted for this one, while your recycled crap stays. Cheers :)
Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles. 