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Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal. 
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it!!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need a career change, perhaps I should be a Pornographic Historian.
Confucius say, "Woman who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."
Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.
They preemted 'The Price Is Right' with news about Prince dying. Great. Now I'll never know who won the Showcase Showdown...
Not a good day for one name celebrities. Someone keep an eye on Bono, Madonna & Cher.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What happened to you?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....
I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.
He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.
It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".
"Chillax" ironicly the most irritating word known to man.
My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
........ Yup ...... I too was once a male trapped in a female body ...... But then my mother gave birth ......
"DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around
Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.
There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan. 