lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN. The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...

   How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   n't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil..

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.

   A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.