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My battery is about to di 
If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?
The only downside to divorce is learning how to work all the appliances…
You're so innocent. Let's fix that.
"It's impossible." said pride. "It's risky." said experience. "It's pointless." said reason. "Give it a try." whispered the heart........ "WHAT DA HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!" shouted the anus two minutes later.
Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.
Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.
In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.
Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?
When asked if I'm a cat or dog person, I always reply. 'It depends,, what wine are you serving?'
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
No offense DiGiorno, but if someone cooks a frozen pizza at home and confuses it with a person delivering a pizza, they might be insane.
The key to being a great parent is finding what your child loves the most.... And then using it against them.
FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.
I don't care what people say, Little Bunny Foo Foo was a bully to field mice!!!
'Bob Marley drinking game.........1.put on the Bob Marley track "Jammin'"..2,whenever Bob says "Jammin" you drink a beer
I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.
Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.
I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.
How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?! 