Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%.. 
All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids
If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..
*discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really
I would throw all Dallas Cowboys fans a complement but Luke Kuechly would intercept that too.
I've never seen grown men more upset over a Disney Movie in my life.
I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .
It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.
I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.
Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.
Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?
Rickie Fowler has had USA shaved into his head in preparation for The Ryder Cup. Rory MciLroy has won 2 majors as part of his preparations
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. 👌🏻
How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!
The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...
Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".
It's not you. It's me. I don't like you. 