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I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game. 
State of the Union Drinking Game: Take a shot every time Obama says, "Let me be clear" or "Make no mistake" ...Have an ambulance standing by.
Bibles arent allowed in schools anymore but are encouraged in prisons. If kids were allowed to read it at school, they may not end up in pison.
My extremely gåy friend had an 80′s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
havingtrou blewithhis spacebar.
That wonderful feeling when your anus itches and your fart vibrates just enough to satisfy the itch...
fresh out of batteries but still making noise
Guys that watch Jersey Shore are gay.
BREAKING NEWS!! Hillary will not be running for Prez in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy!
If I died and went to Hell, it would take me at least a week to figure out I wasn't at work anymore.
Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.
If you’re driving down the road alone with your gloves and mask on, you don’t need that Biden sticker. We already know.
If Melania was a Democrat, she would be on the cover of every magazine and hailed by the media for her grace, language and beauty.
Ever take a dump so big your pants fit better?
what does the Quran and weed have in common? ....burn either one and you'll be stoned.
so ready for that all important holiday coming up, don't forget monday is the presidents day mattress sale
I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.
found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"
Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back." 