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Weird that we don't see more pants on fire 
I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.
My call is important to them, my time isn't.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.
These feelings would go well with vodka.
My cat sucks at staring contests!
Whenever I'm drinking Vodka and eating Nacho flavored Doritos, I always seem to have to spend the next morning apologizing for things I said on Facebook. I guess I really need to stop eating Nacho flavored Doritos
trying to decide if she has an attitude problem today, or not.
The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.
Some women are terribly hard to please... the rest are impossible!
watched American Idol for the first time tonight. I think I figured out why every one likes it so much. You get to see peoples dreams come true and get shattered all in one show. You don't get that anywhere else.
sends you this warning: If you don't know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings --> Planetary Settings --> Trajectory then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.'
What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? I answered: His girlfriend.
"...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
"This is not an assignment you can casually handle doing the night before". You may as well be challenging me
Law of Study Leave: As per some equation, The rate of days nearing exams is directly proportional to The no. of things in life that get more interesting day-by-day!
eyjafjallajokull? that's honestly more of a drunk status update than a volcano. 