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destroying myself to fix you 
As punishment for hacking, Sony to send Justin Beiber on a North Korean tour.
I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .
PRO TIP: Vodka doesn't care if you are still wearing pajamas at the dinner table.
When I was growing up mom would wake up early to cut my crust off my sandwhich before I went to school, crust was my favorite part- she really hated me....
i really need a blue sky 80 degree holliday !!!!
I wonder if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they suck at it?
if I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.
I'm not a role model, I just play one in front of my kids.
Why is KFC removing the trans-fat from their menu? Because they want that Variety bucket to pad people's ass without clogging their arteries!
I'm no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.
My dad hasn't called with a computer problem in over 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.
I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.
I'm such a nice guy, I signed my ex-wife up for one of those free bi-polar studies.
Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.
Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".
The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head, so now I don't know who to listen to anymore.
i want to be the reason you forget to feed your cats
Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway? 