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So Mr. Sandman...since you've abandoned me for the sake of other's slumber, I've decided to move on. Advil PM, start digesting and work your magic. 
spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life..
Time is your most precious gift, you only have a set amount of it. Time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.
That awkward feeling you get when you sit down to take a dump and look to your right at the toilet paper dispenser only to see just the cardboard roll.
"Why does someone expect to receive respect when that someone doesn't give respect? "
Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful
"If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.
My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
There are only two things in this world that smell like fish. One of them is fish.
You Matter!.... until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you Energy!
Since we've all been out of work "Labor Day" and another chance to spread the Coronavirus have been cancelled.
AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.
am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section
Don’t stare directly at the hurricane without your Official 2017 Hurricane Glasses.
My sex tape is called “Here I Go Again On My Own”.
Michigan is now 5th in the nation for Corona virus cases, but I wouldn't worry too much. They'll lose to Iowa and Wisconsin and eventually fall out of the top 20 altogether.
My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb
At the store today, there was an X for me to stand on...heck no....I've seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.
I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed. 