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After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth. 
Kids today will never understand the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. All they can do is just poke at a screen.
I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.
wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)
I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"
hears that Charlie Sheen is giving Lynsay Lohan advice....Hey Charlie...People who live is glass houses usually have pretty cool stuff to snort Coke on!
do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"
tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.
man falls out of a deer stand and dies...and people say...he died doing what he loved to do....which was falling out of trees?
Do not be afraid to cry it does relieve the pain, remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain
there any way we can blame gas prices on Charlie Sheen?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.
Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.
The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."
if you think that an onion is the only veg to make you cry,try gettin wacked in the face with a POTATO!
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends an sms to his Mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirements. Smart Mother in law replys - Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken. 