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Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops. 
Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy
The last time Houston was under this much water her first name was Whitney.
Remember how people saying the pandemic would be over the day after the election? Well, you haven't seen much about in the news these past few days, have you?
On Facebook, never judge a woman by his profile picture.
Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.
If one drop of rain can find it's way to the ocean, one prayer can find it's way to God.
Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.
A black boy in a hoodie is a thug but a white kid in a hoodie is a skateboarder
high on life... and glue
doesn't have a microwave oven but he does have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff
Slept like a baby last night!!! Woke 3 times and screamed my lungs out....and pooed my pants !!!
I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'
Dream: Own a beer company named responsibly. Then all the other beer companies do my advertising for me.
Obama supporters will party all night, especially since most of them don't work...
Well the good news is Obama won nothing will change, The bad news is Obama won nothing will change.
if William Shatner takes a crap, does he call it a "captain's log"?
Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on
You can always tell how healthy someone's diet is, by how TERRIBLE their farts smell
Who are we?--Proud Americans. And what do we want? --To stop being the fattest country in the world!. When do we want it? -- After dessert! 